The Epitomes of Vanity: The Impact (Part 2)

Note: This is a vulnerable post. It was difficult writing it. I feared people who would read it would think I am being dramatic and that I'm trying to play victim in order to gain everyone's sympathy. What I went through was extremely real and painful. The reason why I'm writing this is because I know I am not the only one who has gone or is going through something like this. This is my artistic expression. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me. I invite all of those who choose to read this post, which is the 2nd post in the 3-part blog series, to have a open mind. That's all. Much love :)

If you haven't done so, please read Part 1: https://immaculate-radiance.blogspot.com/2019/10/the-epitomes-of-vanity-intro-part-1.html

Where was I in all this? My loves, do you think I would have a splendid time in such a world....the world that these individuals had to offer? Let's see: I'm an introvert. I'm highly sensitive and emphatic. I can't help but speak from the heart. I'm not popular. Mental illness runs in my family. I move at a steady pace. I tend to live in my own artistic and mystical world. I'm not thin. I don't wear the latest fashion trends. Where is my place with The Epitomes of Vanity?

Now, I don't mean to play victim, but I have to be honest. So, what was my place in this congregation growing up? I often felt like it was me vs the people who ruled the group. When I think about the people who were put on a pedestal, I think about the qualities they had......the qualities that I believe have contributed to their status: hyper-extroversion, being loud, ignorant, popularity, crass and highly authoritative. As you can guess, I had great trouble moving through those spaces. I often felt paralyzed and jealous of them. I felt jealous that I couldn't fit in this group that was the life of the party.

They were capable of hosting these larger than life events and parties. I thought they were royalty.

Yet I struggled to make a mark, to feel as equal as them. With who I was at the time, I felt I wasn't getting the love and appreciation they seemed to have for each other. I felt so ignored and unlovable. I always froze when I was around them. I never felt important there, no matter how much I tried to find my place. I always felt one-uped, especially by this one girl.

Introducing: The Diamond Princess

She was everything I wanted to be:

• an overachiever
• super popular
• always surrounded by friends
• slim
• pretty 
• stylish
• able to get away with being crass (since I was so condemned for being sensitive)
• highly authoritative
• witty humor

She had everything I felt I was reprimanded for not possessing. She seemed to be excessively adored by everybody of The Epitomes of Vanity, because that's exactly what she was, The Epitome of Vanity. Our energies, vibes, personalities, auras greatly mismatched......much to my dismay because anyone would've been lucky to have been acknowledged by her, especially me. She seemed to get away with being The Epitome of Vanity while I felt I had to pressure myself. "May the Diamond Princess thrive while I try to survive." was a thought plastered in my mind and my psyche for years.

Every one seemed better than me. Some of the girls were trained classical Indian dancers. One girl always seemed like an ingenue princess. The guys would try so hard to be masculine and totally turn off any feminine aspects. They were loud, intimidating, violent, and seemed to have a very limited view on what being a man meant.  I saw how my brother felt pressured to fit in with them. I thought he was trying to abandon who really was in order to fit into this constrictive mold. The women didn't seem to be accept me or my mom. My mom didn't act like these women did, yet they didn't seem to have any compassion for her and looked down on her. Some of the men teased me for who I was and questioned what I wanted to do with my life. On top of all that, the only girl I was friends with was thinner and super athletic. 

I didn't feel feminine enough in the right way. I felt like a big ugly monster unworthy of any kind of love. I have an overall fear of men. I have always felt that men, especially those who get a lot of attention, would look down on me. I have always felt that they would shun me for being too sensitive, too soft spoken, too introverted. Since we apparently lived in a man's world. that meant I wasn't good enough at all. I didn't have anybody in my life question that notion at all. My family have always said that being around men other than a husband is always bad. Men are people I was supposed to be scared of. It was believed to be an intricate part of the fabric of how my family lived their lives. Any man other an a woman's husband is bad. I felt stupid and ashamed of the family I came from. I felt awful for always being in my own world and wanting a life bigger than myself, one where I was respected, had inner peace, and inspire others. I thought I was too weak, too fat, and too feminine.   

Too much yet not enough.....

My experience with The Epitomes of Vanity did a number on my psyche. I can tell you that. 

And this is where the whole living a life bigger than myself comes in. I felt so invisible there and didn't feel respected at all. A lot of my characteristics seemed to be heavily invalidated, instead I felt I was implicitly told to be subservient to these strangers. I had to validate them, their point of views, their energies, their feelings, their opinions.........I didn't exist. The pop culture they glorified became my enemy. Being around them nitpicked all of my insecurities. The Epitomes of Vanity were a constant force who came with constant stimulation. I harbored this absolute lie that I am unlovable. Because I couldn't fit in this elite, popular, stylish group, that must have meant I was not worthy of love or appreciation. I didn't get what I internally craved for and therefore felt neglected. I felt emotionally deprived.

I would see TV shows and see famous people, how they were living their lives, the difference some of them were making, and how they became successful. It sounds stupid but it was inspiration and also an escape from my reality. Growing up, I always had an inclination towards the creative side. I wanted to use it to live a life larger than myself like how these famous people were living. I thought the only way to receive any type of respect, I needed to be famous. These famous people seemed to be untouchable. No one could tell them they weren't worthy of love. Am I right?

I thought that status, lavish life, the aura that these people seemed to have, and respect that people had for them and their talents would save me from their own demons. Yet that life seemed intimidating to me. How the hell was I going to live that type of life? Is it worth it? Am I good enough for that type of life? When the people closest to me found out I wanted to live that type of life, they didn't want me to go for that life, perhaps just to protect me. They said it was unrealistic and that it didn't suit me. I eventually gave it up after they had an intervention with me. I no longer have to be judged for dreaming too big, I felt so dumb for dreaming that big in the first place.

I never wanted The Epitomes of Vanity to be a constant force in my life. It was unwanted influence yet the people closest to me put them at such a high priority. I had to be with them more often than being with the people I felt better around......people who I didn't have to put on a mask for.

Not only was I not worthy of love and appreciation, I didn't deserve to be around people who I vibed with. I was meant to be around these people who were soul-draining because the people closest to me put them at such a high priority. Any pressure they felt from these soul-draining vampires was often taken out on me. Any time I would become remotely popular was disintegrated weeks later because I was never meant to be as noteworthy as them.

I've struggled with receiving acknowledgement from others, fearing a level of popularity I would not be able to handle. I still often feel I don't deserve to be with the many beautiful souls who are in my life today. That I am meant to be the target of other people's frustrations.

I often see myself as Roshni: too much yet not enough. Who is she to feel loved and be loved?