What does success mean to me? What does it mean to you?

Let's begin with looking at the Google definition of success:

Success is a very broad concept. What the fuck is success? What is success for you? What is success for others? What is your definition of a successful you? What is other people's definitions of a successful you?

These are some of the questions I sometimes ponder about, especially the last two questions.

What is my definition of a successful me? What is other people's definition of a successful me? 

My definition of a successful me is someone who doesn't invest into the biases and prejudices any form of mainstream media promote. I would have the courage to follow my heart, because it takes a whole load of courage to follow your heart, and do what actually makes me excited. It sounds campy, but it's true. I need to do what makes me excited in order to live an extraordinary life. I will be able to lead a fulfilling life outside of my career (fulfilling in my own terms, peaceful relationships with supportive family members and friends, having vacations that I ACTUALLY enjoy, taking pride in being a homebody, stuff like that). I would be the first one or one of the people in my family to defy cultural expectations and gender roles. First of all, I am not engaged or married and I just turned 25, which is insane. 

I would voice out against the prejudices and biases that my culture and society have and provide some sort of positive representation, whether it be through my writing, videos, conversations with friends, etc. Also, I will have an extremely successful and fulfilling career in something along the lines of writing, freelancing, content creation, speaking at big conferences and uniting people. I don't know, something like that. I don't have a super clear definition of a successful me but this is just to get the gear going, if you get what I mean. I also want to be able to grow and learn everyday, cause I'm human and I don't want to be complacent.

So, now on to other people's definitions of a successful me.

Well, it depends on who the person is, but I can start with the people that are the closest to me, the people I see the most........my family!!!!

I love my family so much, both immediate and extended. My parents are so amazing, adorable, and hilarious. I am very close to them and they mean a lot to me. Same thing for a good amount of my extended family members as well. But it's also because I'm so close to them that a lot of their opinions on how I and other youth in the South Asian community should live our lives have really, for a lack of a better word, fucked me up. Their opinions have messed with my psyche, and now more than ever, their opinions make me feel like I can't follow my bliss because it's an illusion and god will punish me. I feel for a lot of youth that are first generation children of immigrant parents, particularly those of color, are often plagued by rigid expectations, prejudices, and biases set by their family and communities. Some expectations that have been imposed on me include but not limited to:
1) Marrying and having kids by age 30 by having an arranged marriage to a guy that speaks my language and is of the same caste. It's as if I have to and it's something to be urgently done. If I don't, I'm seen as doomed. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
2) Having a career in computer science or I can't have a career that I want because having a career is not seen as important when it comes to girls because we are expected to be married off anyway.
3) I cannot be too expressive or be fully myself because that is GREATLY frowned upon in certain settings, especially when I'm visiting India. I have to be docile and have to take on the limitations my family has imposed on me and the other women in my family.
4) As I age, it is mandatory for me to lose myself, lose my confidence, and settle for a life taken over by a controlling husband, bitchy in-laws, and kids. From what I have seen and still continue to see, there seems to be this collective belief that girls and women deserve that kind of life because their existences are a burden, all because they were born with vaginas.

It's fucking insane.

I'm also aware that I sound super dramatic, but this is how I feel a lot of the times. I'm aware that I'm being repetitive in a lot of my posts when it comes to cultural and societal expectations and my problems around it. It's because those thoughts are often very repetitive in my mind. I've seen this type of shit imposed on other women in my family, and external relatives seem to have some sort of satisfaction with that imposition, especially because NOW these women fit in this very rigid expectation system (yes, it is a system) that has been established for generations.

Hardly anybody speaks up against it, because god knows why.

Every time I would visit India or hear about this type of shit back in the USA, I would feel so suffocated by all of the negativity around me. Most of the women in my family have felt or still feel broken and restricted. They carry a deep amount of sadness because of the shit that has been imposed on them. It seemed there was no space for me to breathe and to be above all of this nonsense. I did not have that support system. There was no one telling me, "Baby girl, this feels wrong because it IS wrong."

I felt my parents, as amazing as they are, didn't do much to help me. It felt like they, to a certain extent, condoned this shit and/or openly expressed hopelessness about certain situations and EXPECTED me to take that shit on. Every time I was in India, my dad would impose the same strict, extremely formal relationship that a lot of teen girls in India have with their dads. You know, for the culture. SMH!! It definitely messed with my head and to this day, I have so much anger around all of this negativity. All this shit is also a huge reason why I haven't been to India in 6 years and am still reluctant to go.

This whole experience has had a big impact on me in terms of what success means to me. I have lived my life as if:

• My definition of success is wrong and others' definitions are correct. 
• I'm insane for feeling how I feel. 
• Expressing myself and wanting to have a life that is bigger than me means I'm entitled and selfish. My dreams were drilled out of me. I have become so numb to the pain that I have forgotten about my success, what I want, what's healthy for me. 
• It's as if my dreams don't exist.

Again, it sounds super dramatic, but that's the impact that it had on me.

Now, as a 25 year old woman, I have a lot of rebuilding and re-establishing to do. Over the past years, I've had to unlearn a lot of that shit I've internalized. The big problem is that I often project the past in the present and I have been giving too much of my energy to things that don't serve me.

I basically have to start with a clean slate and put the past back in THE PAST!!!!

So, now what?

Part of the definition of true success is........you ready for this?............ TAKING RESPONSIBILITY!!!! And not making ourselves wrong about what we have taken responsibility for.

I am officially taking responsibility. What I am taking responsibility for includes, but not limited to:

• watching content on YouTube and other forms of social media that DO NOT serve me or inspire me
• enrolling in conversations of NO POSSIBILITY
• making my family wrong for all the unpleasant things that have happened, how they reacted, and feeling left out when I was around them (It doesn't make all of that OK in any way, shape, or form, nor does it exonerate them from what they did. Forgiveness means I won't allow that aspect of my life to control me any longer.)
• wanting people to be something other than what they are and IGNORING the reality of them
• denying and ignoring the reality of a lot of mainstream media: Indian entertainment, American media, celebrity gossip, the YouTube gaming genre
• not taking care of myself when I am emotionally and physically exhausted
• for seeing other people's energies, words, opinions as the truth

And I acknowledge the impact that has had on me.

It's also super crucial to note down what I DO NOT want. As of now, I may not know what exactly I want, but I sure as hell know what I don't want. That's at least 50% of the work.

Things I don't want include but NOT limited to:

• I don't want to be constantly drained.
• I don't want to be distracted from the things I actually want to do.
• I don't want to take on other people's energies, words, opinions as my own.
• I don't want my life to be limited by the histories of the women in my family, especially those that are my age. Just because I am related to them does not we are the same person. We are different people. I am not them. They are not me. My life is very different from theirs.

I can no longer play victim. It serves nothing and no one. I've seen the impact of other people playing victim and making other's wrong has had in their lives. Fam, it is not good. Seeing their lives, I realize I want a life of power, freedom, and expression. I cannot tolerate any more bullshit.

If I give my energy to all of life's dramas and the people that propagate them, I wouldn't have any energy to myself.

That leaves room to create. To finally focus on what I want. What lights up my heart.

In the comments below, let me know what success means to you. What do you think other people's definition of success for you is? Are there any similarities and differences? What is the impact of those similarities and differences?