Post-graduation blues

HEADS UP: THIS BLOG POST WILL MOST LIKELY BE A LENGTHY ONE. I JUST HAVE A LOT RUMINATING IN MY MIND AND HEART WHEN IT COMES TO THIS PARTICULAR TOPIC. IT WOULD BE AMAZING IF YOU CAN READ THIS POST AND I HOPE YOU FIND IT INSIGHTFUL, BECAUSE IT IS RATHER INTENSE. :) 

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.

You know? College was one of the most amazing times of my life. I learned more about myself. What I truly liked and what I didn't like. I also became less tolerant of fitting into other people's standards, especially those that didn't have my best interest at heart. I felt more free to listen to the music that I actually liked, read and watch things on topics that actually meant a lot to me, and hang out with people that I actually wanted to be around. All that without feeling like an idiot for having my own preferences. Don't get me wrong. College didn't come without the extreme difficulties; Complex projects, certain toxic teachers, unpleasant group work experiences, and even failing 3 classes. I mean yeah, it's a lot to deal with. But I guess it was all worth it because I ended up passing all of my required classes and graduating this past January 2018.

The reason that I said I guess it was all worth it was because my last semester was not the greatest time of my life. I had to deal with an emotionally difficult summer with back to back tragedies and having nothing to do. Once I entered my last semester, the feeling of darkness did not go away at all. It somehow got worse, even though I did have a more productive life. The pressure and the fear of life after college really started kicking in. My class environments were not as high vibe and inspiring as I would have liked them to be. Towards the end of the semester, I had to also face another family tragedy in the middle of working in a toxic group project with people that did not have my beat interest at heart. I can talk about that in another post, but ...... yeah, that was an experience. That feeling of love that I felt in my previous semesters just went out the window and was replaced by a real, deep fucked up darkness that I felt had no genuine light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm glad to say that toxic group experience is now OVER and that I got a 100% on that project, but there are a lot of bad things that happened with that. I am glad that I do not ever have to see those people ever again, never have to interact with them. THANK FUCKING GOODNESS! But I am not 100% over the hurt and lack of support that I faced from them. I am over them, but not the feeling from the experience. I feel as I get away from certain people and move on, it's easier to get over the person or people but it's a whole different ballgame when it comes to overcoming the experience. Cause that shit can stay with you.

Anyway yeah...... that's basically what I went through and the darkness didn't stop after the semester ended. Oh no, no, no, it started taking a whole other form ............. POST-GRADUATION BLUES!!!!

Just graduated from college, got my degree, don't have to follow a laid out systematic curriculum:

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Exactly! NOW WHAT!?

So what exactly is this post-graduation blues thing I'm going through. Well, it's a lot.

1)Being at home with my thoughts and emotions. Constantly being confronted with feeling like a failure and having to live up to my parents' expectations.
2)Constantly being compared to my peers. Being told that they graduated earlier than me and have jobs, while I'm still struggling to find something.
3)Being afraid to talk to my parents with fears of being asked how the whole job searching process is going.
4)Absolutely hating the whole job searching process because I don't know which companies are genuine or not and I can't vibe with the "whole being in an office, following another person's orders on a 9 to 5 basis" thing. I sound like a rebellious teenager that thinks they are too cool for school, but I have to be honest.
5)Having a hard time remembering what genuine happiness or joy feels like because I've been in this dark night of the soul for almost a year. It's almost as if I am scared of joy for some reason. Maybe because I am more familiar with negative feelings than positive ones.

With all of this stuff and more, it's a lot to go through. I feel that if we do not acknowledge these things and talk or write it out, we could end up having a massive emotional meltdown. So one of the deepest things that I feel is, in order for me to even get some sort of light in my heart, I have to do a lot of things that I don't want to and feel uncomfortable 100% of the time. I feel that would be very difficult and lonely. I could imagine the even more extreme emotions I would go through. I don't know. Everything feels so unclear and uncertain.

I must continue by saying that I am an introverted HSP (highly sensitive person) and empath, so going through these extreme back to back turbulence has not been easy for me at all. Because I feel things way more than most people, I am extremely drained and scared. I feel I have no career or a job that can give me the boundaries that protect me from people's opinions, comments, and pressures. And that sucks!!

So what do I do?
I mean I don't have a 100% clear plan. But let me think: What do I do about this situation? What do I want to do regardless of what my family would think? In searching for a job, what do I want to do on a regular basis that keeps me engaged and happier?

- I can keep up with this blog and start to write about things in my head and that matter a lot to me.
- I can create boundaries with my family and filter out the things that they say and the vibes that they throw at me.
- I also really need to stand for what I need and require to be mentally and emotionally healthy. For example, having strict boundaries.
- I can keep looking for jobs as I have been doing and apply to as many companies as I can. Whether or not these companies give me a call is way out of my hands.
- I have to stop giving meaning to companies that don't even call me back. That I'm not qualified to be in the workforce.
-Exercise on a regular basis with some dope music (which I have been doing, so check)

I know this won't be an easy thing to get out of, but I do feel better now that I wrote this blog. Even if I feel better now, I cannot worry about how to maintain this good feeling. Instead, I should just be present with it for however long this lasts. I know that emotionally I am not well, and I can't take on too much. And neither should you.

I know I am not a therapist or expert advice giver. The only reason I wrote this post was to clear my head and relate to others that maybe going through similar things. If you are going through anything similar to what I am going through, just know this.

You are not alone. You are not crazy or stupid for how you feel and the thoughts that are dominating your mind. So many people have to face similar things, and all they could wish for is to know that they are not alone, that someone understands them. If it is really intense and unbearable, please talk to a trusted person and I recommend getting professional help. You won't be weak for doing so. In fact, it takes a strong courageous person to acknowledge the shit going on their lives and to talk to a trusted person.

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Ok, this post is getting too lengthy. LOL :) But yeah, that all I have to say for now. I just want to let you know that you are loved and cared for. Your life and your story is important not only for you but for all of the other people who could greatly benefit form it. Your life is not over, and doing things to intentionally harm yourself is not the answer. I have never tried to harm myself at all but I do know that you have too much potential and way too much going for you to do that to yourselves. Please don't give up hope. I really want my post to help you in whatever way possible to help you take at least one step forward to a better life and a better you. Here's a gif to help you feel better. Ok, bye :)


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